Characters and Audition Monologues

Characters

Wayne Hopkins The hero. Totally uncool, but full of charm and heart. Loyal to a tee. Likes comic books and video games, knows nothing about magic or this weird magic world he is now a part of. Best friends with Oliver and Megan.

Oliver Rivers One of the main trio. Incredibly smart and cerebral, he is a math wiz, and proud of it; lovingly a nerd from New Jersey. After ending up at wizarding school, he finds out he isn’t the top of his class, and instead begins a fantastical journey of friendship and even some love, better than any algebra class could ever promise. Real comic chops, incredibly appealing, youthful.

Megan Jones One of the main trio; begins the show by only desiring to live up to her mother’s reputation: a dark wizard currently in Wiz Priz for being such a bad-ass Death Buddy in her youth. Favorite store: Hot Topic. Favorite colour: black. Over time, her tough veneer begins to soften, as a budding romance with Oliver becomes apparent. Defiant and headstrong on the surface, the audience begins to see that her adamance of being completely unique and independent really stems from her desire to be loved and accepted.

Narrator The narrator of the story. She/he guides us through our entire show of Puffy-ness. British accent. Must be a great storyteller, as she/he must keep the audience engaged and updated on all the goings-on. Can be a bit of a know-it-all, but still relatable and appealing. Comedy skills a must, improv background is a plus.

Leanne A little distant. A little random. Is possibly a genius or really, really stupid. But has a really strong heart. The Puffiest of the Puffs.

Ernie Mac Proud. Loud. Pretty sure he’s the best.

Hannah Shy. Very shy.

J. Finich Fletchley Boyish & fun. Chipper and happy except, when his life is in mortal danger.

Sally Perks She goes to school here.

Susie Bones Sad. Gloomy. Think Eeyore from “Winnie the Pooh.” Constantly in fear of her or her family dying.

Cedric Diggery A champion. Athletic, winning, popular, and charming. Everyone’s Favorite, but still loyal, patient, and kind. A leading example of a Puff.

Mr. Voldy Evil. Like, reeeaaally evil. Wants to rule the world in shadows and darkness and terror.

Harry Potter: An awkward, reluctant hero who somehow ends up at the centre of a legendary saga, despite just trying to survive his years at school.

Hermione 1, 2 and 3: The super-smart, but a bit too intense version of Hermione, who’s basically a walking encyclopedia.

Clumsy Longbottom: The lovable, accident-prone Hufflepuff who somehow always manages to get into trouble, but is secretly more capable than anyone realizes.

Blondo Malfoy: A dumber, airhead version of Draco Malfoy, more concerned with his looks and reputation than anything of substance.

Seamus: A fiery, often exploding Irish student with a knack for getting into trouble (and blowing things up) despite his good intentions.

Goyle: A dim-witted, muscle-bound bully who follows his friends around and rarely offers anything of value to a conversation.

Viktor: The stoic and barely competent foreign exchange student who seems oddly confused by the whole school experience.

Colin: The overly enthusiastic, camera-obsessed kid who constantly tries to document every magical event, even when no one asks him to.

Frenchy: The stylish, dramatic, and borderline self-absorbed character who always seems like they just walked out of a fashion magazine.

Zach Smith: The confident, somewhat obnoxious Puffs member who is overly concerned with his popularity and reputation.

Uncle Dave: The charming but clueless uncle of a Puff who only has the best of intentions, even if he constantly makes things worse.

Hagrid: The well-meaning, overly protective, and often confusing giant of a man who means well but has a tendency to make dangerous situations even worse.

A Certain Potions Teacher: A grumpy, terrifying professor who doesn’t tolerate mistakes and expects perfection from every student, no matter how impossible.

1st Headmaster: The pompous and grandiose first headmaster who is mostly remembered for his elaborate speeches and over-the-top demeanor.

2nd Headmaster: The well-meaning but ineffective headmaster who tries to maintain order and peace in the chaos, though with little success.

Professor Locky: The incredibly narcissistic and attention-seeking teacher who believes himself to be the greatest wizard of all time, even if he’s completely wrong.

Professor McG: The strict but deeply caring professor who is always ready with a stern lecture and a soft spot for her students’ success.

Professor Turban: The eccentric, mysterious teacher whose knowledge and quirks seem to carry more questions than answers.

Professor Sproutty: The cheerful, earthy herbology professor who loves her plants (and her students) just a little too much.

Professor Lanny: A slightly air-headed but well-meaning professor who tries to teach valuable lessons, often getting distracted by his own thoughts.

Ghost History Teach: The sarcastic, somewhat jaded ghost teacher who can’t be bothered with the usual school bureaucracy and likes to deliver history lessons with a side of snark.

Runes Teach: A mysterious and oddly serious professor who specializes in runes and seems to be the one character who always speaks cryptically.

Ms. Babble: The incessantly chatty, overly informative teacher who talks at length about things that no one really cares about.

Real Mr. Moody: The paranoid and overly suspicious former auror who distrusts everyone and believes danger is lurking in every corner.

Mr. Nick: The hauntingly charming and optimistic ghost of a former student who is always willing to offer his help, even if he can’t do much.

A Fat Friar: A jolly, kind-hearted ghost who’s always ready with a smile and a comforting word, despite being a little too much of a pushover.

Myrtle: The whiny, dramatic ghost who spends most of her afterlife moping around the bathroom and complaining about her tragic fate.

Sorted Smart: The know-it-all, no-nonsense figure who gets things done and makes sure everyone around them is working hard.

Rita Scooter: The sensationalist, fame-hungry reporter who will do anything to get a scoop, even if it means bending the truth.

Mr. Bagman: The overly cheery and somewhat clueless official who’s always more concerned with spectacle and fanfare than actual substance.

Death Buddy 1: One of the dark, eerie characters who is chillingly devoted to the cause and totally comfortable in the shadowy, dangerous world.

Xavia Jones: A cunning, darkly ambitious student who is always scheming to get ahead, even if it means making questionable choices.

Helga: A cheerful, hearty character who is passionate about food, friends, and making sure everyone feels welcome.

Rowena: A sharp, driven, and highly intelligent figure who is always thinking about legacy and the pursuit of knowledge.

Ric Gryff: The bold, courageous founder with a passion for bravery and adventure, who’s always ready to jump into action.

Sal: A sly, ambitious character who values cunning and strategy above all else and is always looking for the upper hand.

Bippy: A quirky and mysterious house elf with a strong sense of style, who provides both wisdom and chaos in equal measure.

Scorpy: A misunderstood, slightly emo character who spends most of his time fuming at the world and his family legacy.

PUFFS AUDITION MONOLOGUES

Please memorise 1 monologue for your audition. Please add in your own blocking choices to bring the monologue to life. Remember, puffs is a fast paced, energetic comedy! So GO BIG! If you feel silly, you’re doing it right!     

You will be asked to perform the monologue twice. Once as you have prepared it and a second time with some new ideas from the director.

WAYNE (male)

Question. Hypothetical. What if I don’t have enough of a personality for the magic talking hat to sort me? Like…how much authority does this hat really have? Never mind. …This place is crazy huh? I never thought I’d go to school in a castle. Pretty cool. I’ve never really liked school. People were mean. To me. I’m talking too much. You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on…Can I tell you something? I think I might be…special? I watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books, and it’s like: a normal boy finds out he actually has amazing abilities and is swept away to a new, magical world? Does that sound familiar? Because that is now my ACTUAL life. And THAT kid, through some incredible circumstances always becomes like the most important person. Like in the whole world. A sort of…Chosen One. AHH! Magic is real, and this orphaned boy wizard is ready for seven years of amazing adventures!

MEGAN (female)

I never wanted to be a Puff. Every member of my family? Puffs. We’re like THE Puff family. But I’ve always known that I was different. There’s nothing even special about Puffs. Loyalty? Being really nice? A bunch of lame, awful failures doomed to be stupid walking personality-less nobodies that no one will ever care about ever? Ugh. My mom was a Puff. But she was different. She became something bigger. She made the name Jones finally mean something other than a bunch of…Puffs. I thought…I knew…I would be different too. But…after all my hard work to make myself not a Puff, what do you know? The hat puts me with the Puffs. I did everything, I mean, I even changed my accent just so I wouldn’t sound like my Puff family. It’s not fair.

LEANNE (female)

No! I don’t want to leave. Why is everyone so down on us? I won’t stand for it anymore! And I won’t sit for it either. And I also won’t stand on one leg because I can’t. Watch. (She tries and fails to stand on one leg) Anyways. Look at your hand! You have a wand! …Unless you looked at your other hand. Look at yourselves! Hannah. You used to be so awkward. And you still are, but we don’t mind anymore! Who’s that? It’s Ernie Mac. And he is basically the best. And Sally. Remember that time you did that thing? It was amazing! Susie! We all thought you’d be dead by now. But look at you, standing there, alive. Wayne. You give the best hugs. Megan! You give better hugs than you think you do. And J. Finch. He’s imaginary, AND HE CAN DO MAGIC! We all can. We’re wizards. So, sure. It would be easy to leave. But wouldn’t it be wrong? We should do what’s right. Like Cedric. I’m a Puff and I’m staying, because if we don’t fight now we may never find out how that hat talks! Puffs Audition Monologues 4

NARRATOR (male or female)

Heroes. Made. Not born. Except, sometimes…they are born. On a gloomy night, in a far away, magical land called: England. Ah! A giant! Aw, a baby. His parents: dead. But he lives. He is the boy who lives. He has a scar. On his forehead. Shaped like…you know. You get it? You are familiar with this boy? Well. Forget about him. This story is not about him. Ah! Another orphan. His parents: also dead. Killed in a freak chocolate frog accident. Please, don’t ask. This boy is whisked away to live with his uncle in the even more magical land of Cattlepoke Springs, New Mexico. Where…the boy grows up. And up until a few weeks ago, this now eleven-yearold boy had only the regular problems of a child in 1991. And before he knew it, after a confusing train station experience…Wayne found himself at the gates of a certain school of female magic and male magic. Where he would spend the next seven years. Tonight! We will be taking an incredibly in-depth look at those seven years. Over the next five hours split into two parts – …What?! 110-ish minutes? Oh. Tonight! We will take…a look at those seven years. Seven years that were, in one word, eventful. It begins as these stories tend to begin…WITH A SORTING!